On the first day of high school

High school is, in full, a hellish nightmare. Not because of the general reasons, like too much homework or mean upperclassmen. Every body's mean, really. Mean, obnoxious, or stupid. From the beginning: I got to my bus stop early, and when three girls I knew finally, got there, they whispered about me for a few minutes, and finally approached me. Obvious, much? On the bus, I sat between two of them and they talked to each other across me, hardly acknowledging when I tried to interject. It seemed rude to stay quiet, but these girls didn't seen to care much about rudeness. When I got to school, I chauffeured a few people to their classes (I was about the only freshman who knew the school because of all the time I'd spent there during swimming) before heading to my own, Latin. A couple super weird kids talked really loudly about how cool they were (they seemed a bit socially awkward) and finally went to my next class. I barely knew anyone worth seeing in my classes, and later learned that my lunch is also apart from everyone Else's. I do have a lingering hope that I will have upperclassmen that will be kind to me (even though I'm a....freshman. How scary!) On the bus ride home, everyone partnered up with their friends. Since my best friend switched to a different high school, I had to sit on the floor of the ridiculously crowded and sweaty bus. Got some lovely tar on my ass, I'm sure it totally made the outfit. In short: High School makes me want to kill myself.

Social Trafficking

I never saw myself as the type to organize for other people, I usually (and tragically) look out for number one. Lately, however, I've served as a sort of slavedriver for all of my friends. Granted, most of the hassle has been caused by my best friend, who also happens to hate people. She's a social butterfly during the school year, but during the summer she wants nothing to do with half of our colleages. This is usually okay, we hang out almost all summer, just the two of us. However, lately things have been a bit more flustered. With swimming, all I can think about is my social life. High school has given it the sunlight it needs to blossom, and now I have to open my eyes and actually put some effort into the constantly changing voids that we call Facebook, Twitter, and High School. The particular dilemma that lead me to type this post occured sometime after I decided it would be a good idea to grant three different people permission to visit my lakehouse on the same day, turns out everyone was fine with the arrangement, accept my best friend. After hours of back-and-forth communication, majority won. My only fear: could swimming be forcing it's way through the cracks in our friendship? The worst part is, only time will tell.

Misplaced Pride

Normally I try not to rag on people in my blog, but this girl had it coming. First the description: Tan, curvy, a total ditz. Yearns attention from her peers, or anyone. Makes desicions based off of how many people will approve of them, and tends to forget who is really going to be there for her in the end. Thank goodness for me, I am not one of the unlucky support group members. This girl is also a freshman, and would have been my classmate if not for the teams that divide our freshman class into three solid groups. She was in my car the other day with a few other classmates when she turned on the radio and rode seatbelt-free, despite my mom's best wishes (she said her parents would never sue if we got in an accident, but I wouldn't put it past her) next she bragged about the ride she'd taken behind the wheel of her Senior boyfriend's truck, just before announcing that she'd had a sex dream about one of the boys in the car (it must have been graphic, considering the fact that she was deflowered long, long, ago. The next day, she recapped the entire car ride to me before remembering that not only had I been in the car as well, but the car had been mine. Well, my family's anyway. Close enough. I'm almost ready to sign off, but first an apology for the long blogging break. I was having a mid-teenager-dome chrisis. This post goes out to all of the tortured souls who share the breathing air with a similar character...good luck.

Low and Limited

Guys may not be my main focus in life, but nearing high school puts them up there with homework. I'd like to say I'm a good flirter, as I tend to get flirted with a lot, but who knows. Not me:) Despite the flirting, the extent of my experiences with the male species are, as I said before, low and limited.  It's probably mostly due to the fact that I am not very forward when it comes to relationships. Hell, my only one consisted of him telling my constantly that he could be a better boyfriend and me pulling away every time things went well. I'm not saying well  in a sexual way, just in a friendly way. And that's how I wanted us to stay. Just friendly. I guess this could also be in part related to my control freakyness, which can sometimes take over my relationships. I have this idea in my mind, this golden prospect of how everything could go in a perfect relationship: starting as friends, growing closer, next thing we know everyone is jealous of us! But that's not what's going to happen. I know it's impossible to mold a random relationship into what you want it to be, but I'm not very good at standing down. Especially with something I feel so strongly about. At the same time, I do think that my sticking to my dream is reasonable. It's not worth settling down with a guy that will never be what you dreamed of all of your life. I don't want to become one of the middle-aged women who looks back on her life and isn't satisfied with the journey.

Sex, lies, and addiction? Oh my.

High Schools are notorious for their drugs, sexcapades, and class hoppers. My future high school doesn't fall short in any of these categories, or so I've been told. Sure, there are gateway drugs and mini-skirts, I've seen that firsthand. But the rest is up for debate, considering I don't plan on any of that, and I thought I was a normal teenage girl. Of course it is a known fact that guys don't exactly run on brainpower during high school, and I've seen plenty of that with the sophomores and juniors that I do know. Even some of the freshman. Gross! I guess that will just add to the mystery, though, and I really don't have any conclusive data as of right now. According to most reality shows, high school is pretty rough, but who actually believes in reality shows? For example: It's great to dream about being Jenna in Awkward, but what socially awkward bad-dressers actually get not one, but TWO popular football stars attached to 'em? Oh, well. I can hope:) Relationship status currently: single as F**K. without the F**K. Yeah, I'm not doing so well...

Personas.

Everyone has one. And it's become increasingly clear to me that once you have one, it can be pretty difficult to shake. Once a jock, always a jock. Once white trash, always white trash. Every year I told myself that I would be different the next year: edgier, hippier, popular even. Of course it never happened. You are who you are and struggle all you want, people are too lazy to keep up with you whilst you re-invent yourself. After applying this to myself, I realized that I will forever be Evie, the animal person, the adorable one. In third grade, my size built a foundation that would later become my phsod. I was Evie, the softspoken yet defiant little girl. Like I said, I tried to put myself above this persona, but it seems as though it's going to follow my anyway. So I guess this year, I'm going to have to embrace it. Which might not be a bad thing: According to my "research" (and just plain experience) guys like girls who want to be helped, and girls like girls who won't steal their spotlight.
So not helpless, but willing to be carted around like an airhead. If you can't tell, that's not me. I'm surprisingly independent. Don't get me wrong, I'm not going to call myself "tiny but mighty" or "fun-size", but I'll stop trying to fit in with the popular people. They'll all end up druggies next year anyways. But that doesn't mean I don't want them to like me. Just that I want them to like me without seing me as a threat to their man- or girl-power. The only solution: Fit in by standing out.

Bridge Burner

Good news: my stomach no longer hurts!! Bad news: my social life for next year is looking pretty grim. After transferring to a private school (more on that later) for my last year of middle school, the cold shoulder being delivered from most of my former classmates has me teetering on the verge of frostbite. With little to no trusted friends leading up to my high school career, my fears of being solo for the next four years of my life are at an all-time high. Never having been a social goddess, I never dreamed of having 700 friends on Facebook , but nowadays, more than one in real life seems bearable. Don't get me wrong, the incredibly close friend that I do have is awesome, I just don't feel very insured with all of my eggs in one basket.

the beginning of THE BEGINNING

         Here I am, a wonderfully warm yet temptingly breezy day at my lake house, and I'm stuck inside agonizing over a stomach ache. Not just any stomach ache, but the 4-hour-on-and-off-large-amounts-of-intestinal-pain-stomach-ache that often makes itself present at the worst possible times in my life. Compared to some of my other experiences with it though, at the house practically alone (except for my 11-year-old brother, who has locked himself in my parents' bedroom with the TV) and with all the aleve and privacy in the world, is a situation I can live with. This weekend has been pretty nice, full of relaxation and for me specifically, watching all of the episodes of Awkward. two times each. I like the show, although it does make my 1 to 0 guys at a time habit seem relatively boring and not at all on the wild side that every girl dreams of. It has however encouraged me to redecorate my room, start (another) blog, and have hope for my relationships during the next 4 years of my life. And, maybe put some effort into them this time around.
         Speaking of putting effort into things, my school work could also use some redecorating. But I guess I'll just have to wait and see what I'm dealing with. I hope I'm not boring you with the lengthiness of this blog, but I have time to spare.
         In terms of relations with the male species, I've only had one boyfriend. But, that one boyfriend returned for seconds, 4 times. Talk about closure. Every time seemed like we were making improvements, although I know now that the cause was hopeless. On both his part and mine. After dating altogether for almost 10 months, I never kissed him and refused to return his ILY's. I guess that's a little bit rational considering I didn't love him and probably never will, but it still makes me seem like the bitch.
         Since the quadruple incident, I haven't dated anyone. I do have a junior who has been trying pretty hard to catch my eye (and probably something more considering the fact that he is a guy in his prime), but I really don't have feelings for him. Young me would have jumped at the chance to flaunt my upperclassman admirer, but I'm not young me anymore.
         Present me likes his friend, the absolutely adorable but semi-unstable shy-until-you-know-him type, which I have the unfortunate curse of finding irresistible. Hopefully this has given you some idea of how complex things are going to get. -Evie